Thursday, February 09, 2006
WARNING: This is one depressing entry.
I've been kinda depressed almost every morning these days and I would only return to my normal, relatively cheerful self after eating,i.e. after break. Eating really helps for me =/ But I don't binge, don't worry. But what is wrong with me? Why me of all people? I feel freaking upset and terrible.
What did I do that for? I so regret it. wth.
And for goodness' sake, can someone please tell me how to see if a person is doing things sincerely and earnestly and not being a fake? I can no longer tell... If u intend to say something which you don't mean it but just saying it for the sake of saying, just don't say it...it'll make u seem a better person. If not, people will just get very pissed. because you're being a bitch.
Another thing, comparison just doesn't end, does it? I have two elder sisters who both are just much more smarter than me. Let's see k. The eldest went to NYGH, NJC then NTU. The second? SCGS, HCJC, got a scholarship and went to the University College of London for her Degree and then the University of Chicago for her Masters. I can just go and jump down. One incident: My dad tried to speak softly at the part where he said I couldn't make it for sth sth...but it's sth regarding my studies, to my uncle during CNY but he being loud naturally, thus failing at saying it softly, I heard him. Fortunately, I have a nice uncle who said,"Don't compare la, comparison has no end." I was so thankful he said that, my uncle's one good father.
Anyway, I just knew I should have gone to the polytechnic where there is no GP (which am having remedial for currently) and no Chemistry (which am having tuition for currently). Sister says, "don't go to poly la...do u know that the pay for poly students is very much lesser than the pay for uni students?" I say, "Is it...." She replies, "Yes...the starting pay is lesser and the rate of the pay increase is much slower." RIGHT. So now am "wonderfully" stuck in a JC. BUT so what if I'm in a JC? Don't any of you (my family members) realise that if I end up scoring not-so-good or not-so-satisfactory grades, even worse, fail my GP, what am I going to do?! Diploma is obviously a much safer route for me. I am obviously just much less smarter than the 2 of you so stop thinking that the route u all take is as suitable for me. It has proven to be not, no? "No....you can do it one...you just have to work harder...," is what they always tell me. Not that I don't want to, my GP? Often on the borderline or for the record, am a J2 now (awaiting/preparing for A levels which is in about NINE "wonderful" months) and I'm still passing GP at the borderline or failing? Fail GP, fail 'A' Levels. For Chemistry? I just got a TWELVE upon FORTY for my CA1. With tuition u know. It's extremely depressing and I feel like a failure. Econs? It's really 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee'cons. Haven't got back the essay test so i don't know how I fared but I screwed it up as I misinterpreted the question.
*Julia..don't worry, it's not your influence that am sinking into quite a bit of depression. We're both Libras and so it's inevitable that we think much more alike sooner or later x)
ALRIGHT...on a positive note, Valentine's Day is just FIVE days away! x) I have no idea on what to buy for my friends eh. But I guess I'll see it when I see it when I go shopping for the presents x)
Okiedokes..time is ticking..gotta go do the GM food essay now =/
Till next time x)
* S H A T T E R E D
4:35 PM
